I guess I should start with an apology, I didn’t realise my last post was 7 long months ago. It just goes to show how fast time flies and how much can happen in a short space of time!
Not a happy go lucky post today I’m afraid my lovelies, I wanted to touch base with the impact of emotional weight loss. I’d personally not experienced this until recently, the lack of updates will become clear.
I’ll talk you through my last 7 months…
So in June I competed again at the Miss Harrogate Fitness, I truly worked my arse off…however I didn’t place as well as I’d hoped. I did however learn how much I could push my physical being without breaking, that’s the easy part! Mentally and emotionally being in control was a whole other game! I did ok with my diet, my downside is I enjoy food…and a variety of food so restricting myself into thinking ‘food for fuel’ was my struggle! I did it though, and that’s the achievement! Standing infront of a room of people and literately having them judge a book by it’s cover takes guts. Guts I never really knew I had!
I decided to have a break and some down time after the competition, I think I had Dominoes on speed dial the next two months! I even stopped training, I just needed a complete break.
Meanwhile in the background one of my oldest and closest friends had been quite ill. The the C-bomb was dropped, yup. My friend had cancer. I’d be lying if I said I could face it and cope with it, I couldn’t.
I made sure to message her and keep up to date and to just try and ‘be there’ …this through my training completely out the window. I tried to keep myself busy, if I just didn’t think or feel I was ok. Any distraction was a good distraction, even if it was painful.
Another friend & I had booked tickets to head over to the Leeds O2 for a gig. It’s my one escape, I let go and forget everything! I just concentrate on the music, I feel it in my heart and I’m just at ease with the universe.
We saw Black Veil Brides, can’t say I’m a huge fan but I enjoy their live set up!
We’re all waiting for the encore, I’m mucking about…pushing people out the way to get closer to the front. We’re dancing and laughing, they come out and perform ‘In The End’ which oddly is a song I know! So I’m lost in the moment, and I forget all the pain, all the worries and in that moment I’m content.
Now I generally always have my phone on me, it’s very rare it’s not within reaching distance. This night was different, I’d put it in my friends bag and I’d completely forgotten about it!
So we got back in the car, laughing and joking.
Friday 17th October just before midnight I read a message that would change my future forever. My friend had passed away.
All I had to do was say her name, my friends knew. Minimal words were spoken on the way home. We had the radio blasting out. All I could think was ‘I’m being punked, this isn’t real. I’ll message her when I’m home’
I got through the door and went straight onto Facebook. She wasn’t online and hadn’t been for hours.
Had she really gone? Had I honestly lost the one person who really understood me?
I was numb, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t cry. I felt nothing, and nothing is a scary place to be.
My work were absolutely amazing and I couldn’t ask for better support! I tried to carry on, I tried to act normal. I had a PT client in and she had recently lost her grandma so it helped to talk to her.
After my session I had to dash into my car, it was as if I hit a brick wall. Before I’d shut the door behind me I was in a heap on my drivers seat. I was completely broken, I couldn’t stop crying so attempted to drive home in the catastrophic state I was in!
I made it as far as my sofa, I didn’t move for hours.
This is how loss feels? True loss of someone I loved unconditionally.
I couldn’t work, I couldn’t do anything without breaking down.
This is where the slippery slope started. I found out her funeral was to be held on the 27th October. I also offered to stand up and speak. I still had that little voice in my head telling me it wasn’t real, it’s all just a bad dream and I’m about to wake up any minute. I’d managed to keep an appetite at this point….the thought of exercise didn’t even enter my head! Had to message all my clients and just put the breaks on training anyone.
How could I motivate and train others when I could barely get by day to day just ‘being’.
The day came too quick, someone who should’ve been there to support me wasn’t. This I’ll never forgive.
The dress code was to wear something she would’ve liked. So in true Charlotte fashion, I wore my platform spiked Jeffrey Campbell lolita’s & a marvel avengers sweetheart dress! I had peach coloured into my hair & I put some flower clips in as she always had random clips in, normally skeleton hands but flowers seemed appropriate.
There were so many people, I was so touched so many people attended! I had a reserved seat as I was speaking, I was shaking, my legs were jelly. But I couldn’t see her…she wasn’t there.
The worst thing I’ve ever had to experience is seeing my friends carry my closest friend to say goodbye.
This wasn’t a nightmare, I’m not waking up. I prayed and prayed to just wake up and for it to not be real.
I then had to stand and speak, how can I compress 17 years? How can anyone understand how important you were to me? No one has the memories I have.
I wrote a poem to remind myself of her, and to celebrate everything she was to me.
Below is my piece I read;
We based our lives on youth & whiskey,
We danced until the sun came up.
You proved to the world what it was to be yourself,
My fallen angel.
You taught the world to take joy in individuality,
I’m still trying to breathe,
Trying to figure it out.
You were the most colourful soul.
I hope you are now free,
My fallen angel.
New rocks & fish nets,
Makeup & mayhem,
We never followed Dorothy’s yellow brick road.
We only wanted to be ourselves,
You gave me the confidence to question the world.
Pink hair, piercings, tattoos,
You challenged the world.
I always loved you,
& I always will,
My fallen angel.
I struggled to get my words out, but I managed to get through it and broke down when I got back to my seat.
The hardest part was laying my poem and a flower for a friend who was unable to attend. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see and I fell into the arms of my friend as I almost fell to my knees.
I couldn’t comprehend how hard that day would be. The wake was beautiful, Tasha had set all her tea sets out and it was perfectly Charlotte!
It was the days that followed that hit. I kept myself busy, I have a puppy so it’s pretty easy! I found myself walking him for hours in a day, the only problem was my meals were getting more and more irregular.
I never realised how important a support network was. I wasn’t talking, I just kept to myself and it got to the point I was eating one meal a day. Which was a bowl of cereal, I just couldn’t cope. The one person who could’ve helped and should’ve seen my downward spiral didn’t. I was walking up to 5miles a day and eating less than 500cals a day.
I lost 1/2 stone in one week. That’s a lot for anyone, I’m 5ft1 & was 8stone… I was starting to slip below 7 & 1/2 stone.
I couldn’t help my friend, I couldn’t control the universe. But I could control myself, this of course signalled alarm bells to me.
I knew if I didn’t get a hold of myself and get back on track it could get a lot worse and very quickly.
I started to eat small meals more regularly and I started to build up my support network. I’d just learnt life is too short to lie to yourself and others. I told everyone how I felt about them, I pulled in the people I need in my life and cut ties with the ones I don’t want in my life. I need people who love me and who will look after me, I need the people who were there in my moments of need.
My weight still isn’t all the way back up, but it’s getting there! I talk to the people who put a smile on my face, I talk to the people I care about and I’m never going to waste another minute.
So how do we cope with emotional weight loss?
Make sure you set up that support network, it’s a safety net for if you fall. They know what you’re going through & they will be the ones to pull you through the other side.
We also have to find the moments of truth in our moments of pain. My friend taught me life is too short, stop saying ‘tomorrow, next year, when I reach this goal’
If you want something, go for it!! What’s the worst that can happen? Do not take loved ones for granted, tell the ones you love that you love them. Not that bullshit ‘luv ewe’ no! Look them in the fucking eye and mean it with every inch of your soul! You may never get that chance again, so make every moment count!
Emotion weight loss will slow your metabolism down, but you can get that back. Your main priority is to increase the calories.
Ia few tricks of mine are;
Toast with Nutella & sliced banana, blended protein shakes mixed with milk or full fat yoghurt. Eat a pizza, eat some cake….live life and love it!
Always opt for the higher calorie option, just make sure you’re still getting your lean protein, complex carbs, fibrous veggies and healthy fats in there.
I’ve found meeting friends out for meals and coffee has really helped. They know where I am in my emotional state and they make sure I eat. Like I said earlier, everyone at work has been fantastic and has made sure I’ve been eating…and eating real food!
I’d be lost without the people who have helped me through this, and they know who they are. They also know how much I love them.
Sorry for the essay guys, and sorry it’s not as light hearted as normal!
I’ll update you all soon ready for the new year! Any questions, please just drop me an email and as always I’ll try and help as best I can!!
Start tomorrow a new you xox